Two stocky figures stand authoritatively at Border Control at a busy London airport. They are heavily armed with Oxford English Dictionaries and phonemic charts. Their job, is to make sure that only those with excellent English skills are allowed to enter the UK to learn English. They do this selfless act, each and every day, in order to keep these shores clean of terrorists and bad pronunciation.
Officer A: Looka dis geezer. What you reckon?
Officer B: Nah, don't be daft. He's one of us. Glottal stops and 'at. Yeah - look at his bag, he supports de Arsenal.
Officer A: Gotta be vigilant dough ain't yer? If dey ain't got the 'ang of modal auxiliaries and conditional sentences - let alone a basic grasp of determiners, we're all doomed.
Officer B: Fackin too right. Vigilance is the key - we're the eyes and ears of the people. Eyes and ears, mate.
Right, how about dis one. Geezer with the red top.
Officer B: Get on it.
Officer A: Oi. What you chattin' about?
Foreign National: Excuse me? Sorry, I....I..I didn't understand.
Officer B: Yeah what you chattin about?
Foreign National: I'm on my way passing. I have a....I have a visa. I have a permission to remain to stay in UK.
Officer A: You what? Did you here that? I am on my way passing? What the fuck is that bruv? No clear grammatical sense and you're taking de piss with definite and indefinite articles. Rules is rules, bruv. Fings have changed 'round 'ere. We're gonna have to give your pronunciation a little test. You understan'? Right, now repeat after me some of dese dipfongs.....
Officer B: 'Ere I've just had a call from management. Dey said dat he can go fru. He's an investor.Some bigwig's son. We gotta change tack, apparently.
Officer A: Go on. You heard the man - jog on. What did they say?
Officer B: Just stop poor looking people from poor countries with darker skin than ours. Ok?
Officer A: Piece of fuckin piss, mate.
I didn't understand :D
ReplyDeleteYou really have to study your English my boy! It's all slang, Jesus.
ReplyDelete